Somehow , one of Mental Floss ' favoriteStar Trekalums - turned - internet - sensations , George Takei , find time to writeAmazon reviewsfor products you never knew existed . And we ’re all so lucky that he does .
1. The Mountain Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee
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Amazon say : " Hand dye shirt feature a arresting screen mark of three wolves howling at a lunar month on a preshrunk , 100 pct cotton fiber golf tee dyed and printed by the mountain . "
5 Stars from George Takei , who love how it let him pasture Walmart undetected : " But with The Mountain Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee , the SHIRT now draws the optic . One youthful adolescent even shyly approach me , and instead of asking for a picture or an autograph , simply smiled conspiratorially and whisper , ' Team Jacob , correct ? Me , too . He ’s sooooooo moony . ' Yes he is , young lady . Yes . He . Is . "
2. Looking For… The Best of David Hasselhoff
Amazon says:“2 new from $ 149.93 , 4 used from $ 9.37 . " ( Are the great unwashed take heed to this CD until it literally wears out ? ! )
4 Stars from George Takei , who enthrall in Hasselhoff ’s reinvention:“When ' Knight Rider ' and ' Bay Watch ' terminate , I felt a discrete vacancy in my life . Without Hasselfhoff ’s bouncing pecs gracing my idiot box , life simply felt gloomy and unfulfilling .
" Imagine my joy when I discovered that Hasselhoff had not vanish at all , but rather REEMERGED , this time as a serious force in music . It reminded me of when Leonard Nimoy had immortalize his stirring testimonial to Tolkien , ' The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins . ' It was that moving and momentous for me . "
3. Fresh Whole Rabbit
Amazon says:"$69,696,969,696,969.70 FREE SHIPPING . COMES FULLY FURRED , refreshing FROM THE BACK GARDEN . "
1 Star from George Takei , who " hates to split hare " but who finds that:“First of all , it is NOT at all as easy as it looks in that [ Game of Thrones ] prospect . Meera and Osha made it look so simple . But both Brad and I pulling together could n’t get that damned skin off . The cony wound up calculate more like Theon Greyjoy ’s finger than a rabbit . "
4. Denon AKDL1 Dedicated Link Cable
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Amazon says:“Get the purest digital sound you ’ve ever receive from multi - channel videodisk and CD playback through your Denon home dramatics receiver with the AK - DL1 dedicated cable . "
3 Stars from George Takei , who found this overseas telegram required all hisStar Fleettraining to use:“The instant I plugged this line in , I knew something was amiss . The first evidence ? The small wormhole that appeared in our living room , the right way next to our holstein cowhide reclining chair . Peering into it I could discern the snarling face of a Ferengi , likely somewhere out in the Gamma quarter-circle . "
5. The 2009-2014 Outlook for Wood Toilet Seats in Greater China
Amazon says(cryptically):“The latent demand for wood toilet seat in Greater China is not existent or historic sales agreement . Nor is latent requirement future sale . In fact , latent requirement can be either gloomy or higher than literal cut-rate sale if a market is inefficient ( i.e. , not illustration of relatively free-enterprise degree ) . "
5 Stars from George Takei , who hopes to free an audio - book version : " Sure , the title and the first few hundred Page may seem off - putting . ' What the f*@k is this ? ' Brad demanded , just 20 pages in . ' It ’s like some kind of dreadful grad school thesis . '
" But justly around page 375 , the OFWTSIGC ( 2009 - 14 ) becomes a white - knuckled , roller coaster of emotions – the sort we carry from world class thriller . Indeed , just when you recollect the writer has eat his dear readers , after what seems an unimaginably methodical study of mainland China ’s wood toilet seat projections , he prompt us , ever so disingenuously , about GREATER China . "
6. Accoutrements Yodelling Pickle
Amazon says:“Great natural endowment for the person who has everything except a yodel pickle . "
1 Star from George Takei , who advises that you stick with your flow bong:“I assay for hours to figure out how to intrude off the palpebra so I could load it decent , but no go . Then the affair embark on yodeling at me , and I think , ' Well , no more from that dispensary . ' "
7. UFO-02 Detector, magnetometer interfaced with micro controller for detecting magnetic anomalies.
Amazon says:“The real head is whether UFO ’s are interstellar vehicles visiting Earth ? Most UFO sighting can be classified as misidentified aircraft , planets or other aery phenomena , but not all of them . "
5 Stars from George Takei , who ended up having his own close encounter:“When I add up to , Brad was sound departed in his tin enhancer hat , the UFO-02 sensor was gone , and , certain enough , all of my Splenda had been replace with fiddling , brown unsanded gelt packets . When I tried to tell Brad about Leonardo / Dumbledore and The Message , he roll over out from me , grumbling that I should n’t consume so much ice cream or any dairy merchandise before bottom . "
8. Deer Rear with Bottle Opener
Amazon Says:"[G]iving new significance to the term ' the business end ' ! "
5 Stars from George Takei , who make even more puns:“Deer friends : count for the perfect ' hunting lodge ' accessory ? No ifs , ands or butts , this is a staggering find . As any John Doe could tell you , jump on this baby on your wall and BAMBI ! Instant party . Now when guests ask me to give their beer , I just say ' Go buck yourself . ' "
9. A-HOLE REPELLENT … THE ULTIMATE GAG GIFT
Amazon says:“PRODUCT IS A FUNNY GAG AND DOES NOT curb ANY CONTENT ! "
4 Stars from George Takei , who found it worked well against bigoted politicians:“For example , the last time Senator Rick Santorum was shouting Bible verse through my bedroom window , I simply stroll over , withdrew the can from my nightie , and hold it up at heart - storey . ' What is THAT ? ! ' he bellow . ' A&@hole repellant , ' I said , calmly displaying the clearly marked label . ' Do n’t worry , it wo n’t kill you . I ’ve got it dress to STUN - NING ! ! ! ! ' "
10.Star TrekMagnetic Spock and Captain Kirk Salt and Pepper Shaker Set
Amazon says:“High timber . "
3 Stars from George Takei , who rule these " too realistic”:“After Brad catch me this hardening , I realize that they were a piece TOO true to life . The Kirk shaker kept wandering off in lookup of ' lady shakers , ' take a firm stand his salt quartz were real dilithium . I ’d have recommended this as a outstanding Father ’s Day gift , but I noticed over time that the physical structure of the mover and shaker droops , and the uniform now seems , well , a second snug . I also was disappointed to learn that the whisker opus does NOT come off as expected . One star off my cross for that . "
11. Passion Natural Water-Based Lubricant - 55 Gallon
Amazon says:“If you are looking for a simply jaw - dropping amount of lubricating substance , Passion Natural Water - Based Lubricant is ready to get the fun started with this 55 gallon membranophone ! "
3 hotshot from George Takei , whose plate - test went awry:“Now , how to spray the lubricating substance on the emotional on - lookers ? Why , by weewee heart gun , of course . To essay out our delivery mechanism , we buy a drum for our back yard and set up a slip and slide . I had Brad charge toward me down the slide , and I fired at will . It aid to conceive of he was a Klingon Bird of Prey : Target that explosion and FIRE .
" What I did n’t expect was that Brad ’s forward impulse would cause him to crash into me , upending the entire drumfish along with us . Utter chaos . Our inauspicious cats , who had arrive out to approximate our activities as cats will , were view in the pelter . search like overwhelm rat , they howled and sped around the yard in hysteric circles , then strain for ten mo to climb a tree . "
12. Horse Head Mask
Amazon says:“Awesome conversation man . "
4 Stars from George Takei , who learn the chance to pun:“I purchased this mane - ly for anonymity , but instead it was a night - mare that saddled me with un - bridled panic .
" At a late Comic Con , I don the masque break my best cart track suit , jockeying for a dewy-eyed laugh : ' What do gay horses exhaust ? ' I queried , eager to bray ' Heeeeeyyyy ! ! ' Comic atomic number 79 , friends , I know .
" But the neigh - Dorothy Leigh Sayers came unglued . ' No ! You ’re George Takei ! I know that voice ! '
" Now , it does n’t take a gallop canvass to know what happen next . I hoofed it out of there with herd of fans riding my ass , shouting till they , too , were … knight . "
13. F500 American Flag Pants
Amazon says:“These Flag Pants are foreshorten with the same roomy thigh country and sharply tapered mortise joint cuffs which make them great gym pants and for casual habiliment as well . "
5 virtuoso from George Takei , who avoid impounding with this pretentious presentation of patriotism:“I’ve often marvel , though , whether things would have been different if we ’d only been pay a prospect to manifest our allegiance .
" That ’s why when I go jogging around Hollywood , I always put on my topper FORM AMERICAN FLAG PANTS while belting out a hearty ' God Bless ' Murica ' for all the passer - by . So moved are the innumerable witnesses to my overt and unabashed patriotism that they stare , mouths love feast , overcome with , well , something , as I fist pump the air with an enthusiastic ' USA , USA ! ' , the soundtrack toRockyblaring from our car stereo as Brad pep up me on and pass me another Ensure to stagnate . Sly Stallone , eat your heart out . "
14. Canned Unicorn Meat
Amazon says:“The bottom of the tin is easily removable to gain memory access to the mini dead unicorn indoors . No can opener needed ! "
2 Stars from George Takei , who cogitate it tasted like SPAM:“Unfortunately , I find this unicorn meat trade name to be quite similar to spam , both in texture and insipidness . I ’d been hoping for that zestier kick that comes from the rump cutting off of other fabulous and fantastical creatures , such as griffins or centaurs ( for the latter , serve only the back half of the creature with guests , or it get ill at ease ) . "
15. BACON shaped themed Adhesive Bandages
Amazon says:“Treat your minor cutting , scrapes and scratches with the incredible healing power of meat . "
5 Stars from George Takei , who ca n’t aid punning:“Not to pork fun at an hurt , but nothing strips the nuisance away like meating friends out dressed like this . ' That ’s sow amiss , George ! ' they squeal . But fat luck they allow such a copper mind go . In fact , they often rend it off cursorily — after giving me the cold shoulder joint . "
16. Schrodinger’s Cat Executive Decision Maker
Amazon says:“With this Schrodinger ’s Cat Executive Decision Maker , just ask the cat a yes or no question , skid start the doorway to watch the cat magically fluxing between life and dying . "
5 star from George Takei , who guess a conversation with a coworker:"‘Hang on , let me confabulate Schrodinger ’s Cat Executive Box for that answer . Aha ! See ? It enjoin the answer is both yes , and no . That is , justly now , knowing nothing other than your dubiousness , the result could be either yes or no . But when we actually get to that point , we ’ll know whether it actually was yes , or no . '
" ' But that box always gives that response . '
" ' So does quantum purgative , and no one is indicate with that . ' "
17. Pickle Lip Balm Dill Flavored Scented Novelty Gag Prank Present
Amazon says:“Much better than a boring onetime lip unguent . "
2 Stars from George Takei , whose husband did n’t appreciate it:“Apparently , the perceptiveness was n’t cosher for Brad , who can be a sour puss , even when in the balm of your manus . So you might desire to pickle little more carefully , and give your spouse more than lip service . Now I just say there ’s a hole in my air pocket and I ’m happy to see him . Too cuke for words . "
18. Inflatable Unicorn Horn for Cats
Amazon says:“Your cat makes a show of being regal and in ascendency , but you could turn all that around with this Inflatable Unicorn Horn for Cats . "
1 Star from George Takei , who did not treasure his three cats win mystical powers:“Soon things began to go on . Inexplicable things . The neighbor ’s hotdog was base immobilized , trussed - up with some indeterminate gold binding , a warning sign scrawled above him , ' Do not cross the THREE . ' A until now undiscovered hotspring bubbled up from beneath our yard and now transverses our property . Our clothes began to emerge from the dryer already iron out and folded , and the veteran ’s part mysteriously called to confirm we had think to cancel their next appointment . But we had not ….
' " And the expenses ! The THREE demand much for their rule . They turn their point in disdain at Meow Mix . Only skittles will do , individually unwrapped and break by flavor . Harrods of London shipped three gold - plate water arena , charged to ' Mssrs George and Bwad Takei . ' And only yesterday we received a note , with stark calligraphy , bespeak that ' henceforth ' all body of water served in said Au - plot bowls should be of an import varietal , well - chilled , and garnished with a ' just a spwig ' of the wise Nepeta cataria . "
19. Air Swimmer Flying Shark
Amazon says:“Requires atomic number 2 to swim — can be reinflated over and over . "
5 Stars from George Takei , who find this perfect for prankingSharknado - fan Brad : " I excused myself , lay claim I needed to go ' visit nature ' before turn in . When I was just out of good deal , I sidestep behind our peter throw and snap up the AIR SWIMMER remote controls . To add to the ruse , I used my Bluetooth enabled smartphone to flirt the theme from Jaws on the jambox I ’d shroud inside the tent .
" Da - dum .
" The harmonica playing intercept . ' George ? ' Brad called out , remain firm slowly up and wipe some unenviable marshmellow from his chin .
" Da - dum , Da - dum
" It was a low , unmistakable rumbling , as if from the deepness of the dreary ocean . Brad ’s flashlight was out , scanning the tree - round top . absurd indeed ! At just the right instant , I manoeuvre the Air Swimmer into the clearing .
" Da - da - dum ! "
20. Squirrel Underpants
Amazon says:“Standard white-hot cotton jockey - eccentric drawer . One size fits most squirrels . "
3 Stars from George Takei , who does not recommend them for gay hamsters : " We intend our booster ’s hamster Frederick ( he prefers the German Frederick , definitely NOT Fred or , pant , " Freddy " ) would appreciate this gift , as he often complains that ' hees business ' is always on video display , specially as he lark in his cycle . But when we presented the ' Accoutrements Squirrel Underpants ' to Frederick on his natal day , his disappointment was tangible . ' Vell zen , ' he quipped sharply , as German hamster so often do . ' Ve are polite and must still appreciate da motion , no ? ' Frederick distinctly expected something with a turn more ' pizzazz . ' "
All photo courtesy of Amazon.com . All illustrations good manners of iStock .
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